Dating and Mating in the Digital Age - Part 2

One cannot discuss current dating/relationship trends without also addressing fertility. Fertility rates in most industrialized countries have dropped significantly. While you may think this is a good thing, like it will save the planet from destruction, this is not the case. Population growth does not always lead to poorer environmental conditions. For example, despite significant population growth, Beijing was able to significantly improve air quality through a series of comprehensive air pollution control programs over the past 15 years. Also, populations with more aging individuals than youth do not thrive economically.

So why are people having fewer children or no children at all? The biggest reason is that even people who hope to have children are waiting until much later in life. For example, according to Statistics Canada, the average age of first time mothers has been increasing without interruption for nearly five decades, from 26.7 years in 1976 to 31.6 years in 2022. Now, the most popular assumption about why this is, is that women are intentionally putting off having children to prioritize their education and career. However, when you compare the fertility decline data to women's participation in the workforce, they do not match up (at least when you look at U.S. data and I am sure Canada is similar).

When asked, the top 2 reasons why people are delaying having a family, say because they do not feel ready or they have not yet found a partner. Well we already know why it is difficult for people to find a partner! The f*cking world! For women, the issue that I see clinically, is that they cannot find a man withing their child-bearing years, who is ready to start a family. Keep in mind that women's fertility declines in early 30s, and once a woman hits 40 it is extremely difficult to conceive (please don't tell me about your aunt Sally who got pregnant easily at 44, that's an anecdote NOT data). Sometimes I have clients who do have a partner but he still does not feel ready to have a child. Most of the time, this circles back to men believing that you cannot become a father until you have hit a series of (mostly financial or career accomplishment) milestones.

But there is another reason why a lot of people, women included are not feeling ready to be parents for so long. This relates to another societal trend that drives me up the wall: Overprotection/overcoddling parenting. Why do people in their 20s and 30s have trouble 'adulting'? Because their parents have favored protecting their children from experiencing any challenge/discomfort/suffering over allowing their children to become fully-functioning, independent adults! But that's a whole other rant.

So what do we do so that human beings don't become extinct? This is now being debated by policy makers and researchers. The most likely answer so far is to try and provide supports for younger adults so that they feel they have the necessary resources to start a family. Time will tell if this is effective. Past strategies to try and control population fertility in either directly have generally failed miserably.